Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
