If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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