She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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