textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
