a search helicopter?!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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