It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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