I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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