I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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