Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
