It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
