Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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