I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have aggressive nipples.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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