If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
