I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
