Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
