I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
