Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
MIDGETS
????
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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