do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He better not be in your backpack
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize