the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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