i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
