omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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