OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
