I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
