i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
