Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
