i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
