Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
