why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
