He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
