hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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