ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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