Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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