i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize