Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We had sex on a dog bed..
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