fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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