During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
