Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
