I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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