There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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