Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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