i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
