I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
