my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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