ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize