I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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