it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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