I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
