Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
