Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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