Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
