Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
