she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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