I think my vagina is haunted
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
