remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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