Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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