im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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