I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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