I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
