READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
They are going to name an STD after you.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
