She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
