still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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