Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
