Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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