So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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