Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
