Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
